How Do You Deal with Criticism?

Criticism - The most benign and well-meaning feedback or a venomous attack or anything that lies between the two.

Criticism is defined as disapproval or judgement of one’s perceived faults, both constructive and deconstructive. There are undoubtedly many varieties of criticism. Some helpful. Some not.

Consider the backhanded compliment – “Your nose is too large but it makes you look more beautiful”

Or

“A protagonist telling – I am doing this for your own good…I know this sounds harsh, but if I don’t tell you, who will?”

Or

“ A comment from a friend ­– When I have to wait forever for you to text me or return my calls, I feel like you don’t care much about what’s going on with me”

Or

A teacher telling his/her student – “That didn’t quite work..How do you think you can do better in the future?”

All Criticism.. with different flavours..!!

Criticism plays a larger role in our lives – depending upon who you are. Criticism can have the power to make you or break you.

Kind of impact of every criticism depends on the perceived motivation of the criticizer. Does the criticizer want to help or alludes to drawing blood. Many a times – two motivations are mixed, hence a seemingly beneficial criticism is a barb wire hidden somewhere within. This can be a tricky stuff. Most are likely to struggle with criticism because

• Are likely to take things very personally and internalize any criticism as an attack on their entire being

• May become emotional when facing what they believe to be unfair criticism

• May withdraw from the person being critical

Criticism that is fair play helps us relate better and grow. Criticism with a high enough level of ill intention can destroy or damage a relationship.

Psychological researcher, clinician & author John Gottman famously calls criticism of personality or character one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” His research shows that it’s one of the things that reliably predict divorce and should be avoided at all costs in a marriage..!!

Common concern often arises around criticism is the differentiation between “What a person does” and “Who a person is.” Most would agree that actions could be criticised more freely while a person’s basic qualities are off limits.

Examples –

1. I think you should consider my suggestions before you decide.

2. You are a rigid, controlling %#*@%..!!

Both are criticisms. Both will probably result in some measure of discomfort – perhaps, in this case, guilt and anger. Once criticism seeps into the realm of a fundamental character, whether it’s accurate or not, the damage is almost inevitably done.

Famous Writer - BRET EASTON ELLIS in his book – “ American Psycho¹ ” stated - “Is evil something you are? Or is it something you do?”

It’s unreasonable to believe that critical feedback is something we can live without. We all need feedbacks to grow. We all have blind spots and we all make mistakes or mis-judgments. It almost feels unnecessary to state that constructive criticism can be useful. So, it’s not about no criticism, if you’ll excuse the double negative. It’s about practicing the right kind and knowing when it doesn’t help – or makes things worse.

What it means is – that there is something core and unique about people called their “personalities.” It does little or no good to criticize their personalities because they are hard (if not impossible) to change.

A criticizer slamming an Introvert because he/she likes their own Extraverted ways serves no purpose and vice a versa. Orr cores may not be all that malleable but our actions definitely are.

We need to figure out how to be resilient when being criticized. This will enable you to stand your ground and take actions which are benefited to you or your organization (workplace). Some actions that I have taken which have benefited me to stand my ground :

Be Prepared – Don’t freeze >>> Calibrate – Don’t catastrophize >>> Accumulate – Don’t react >>> Apply it to your Role – Not yourself >>> Take Care of yourself – Don’t push hard

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¹ - Breat Easton Ellis used this phrase to describe - Pat Bateman – the hero/antihero of his novel "American Psycho". This was Film adopted in 2000 by Mary Harron - Starring Christian Bale